My mom's dad died when she was in her 20's so my Father and my Grandfather really are the only stable men I have even gotten to see on a regular basis. Of course my brother counts but I think on a different level because we grew up together, he was never a role model for me.
My grandfather died a month before I graduated high school. I think he was there when I most needed him as an example of real man. I always will wish I still had him in my life, I think of him often and I miss him so much. He was a powerful figure, illusive but always loving. He really loved his grandchildren. I remember when I was about 13 I stopped giving him a hug every time I saw him, I was at that age where it was just not cool to hug your grandpa anymore. After I saw him, my mom came up to me and said that he had told her he how sad he was that her children don't hug him anymore. At this moment I realized that he wanted me to love him just as much as I wanted him to love me. From then on I never stopped hugging him.
My father is a more complicated man then my grandfather ever was. My grandpa loved the simple things like hugs from his grand kids, going out dancing with his wife, and long day trips with family. Its funny because even though I saw my father every day growing up I feel like I will never understand him in the same ways I understand my grandpa, who I saw only once a week. My father is a complex man with many things hidden beneath the surface that I just cant understand. I don't know if he has ever told me he loves me. He has hugged me, but only fleeting hugs when we were parting for a long period of time. It always feel like a "protocol" hug. Did he even want to hug me?
All this leads me to think... maybe age will bring out my grandfather's characteristics in my father? Or maybe he will never be like him. Maybe they are just so different. I don't know I just wish I could have 1/2 of what I had with my grandpa with my dad. Or maybe what I wish for even more is to find a man for myself who treats me with as much value as my grandfather did. I always felt like I was GOLD to my grandpa. Why cant I find a man my age to love me like I am gold?
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